Sunday, January 3, 2010


In honor of the approaching mid-20's temperatures here in central Florida, here is a legendary paean to the loveliness of our winter wonderlands, especially in the era of "global warming"[warning--profanity alert!]:

Diary of a New Maine Resident

August 12

Moved to our new home in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.

October 14

Maine is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I love it here.

November 11

Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Maine . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

December 2

It snowed last night. I woke to a most wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight (I won), and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

December 12

More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

December 19

More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21

More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25

White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt the fucking ice??

December 27

More white shit last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes by every time. Can't go anywhere- cars stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovelfuls 10 inches of snow is?

December 28

The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. The snowplow got stuck up in the road and that bastard actually had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. After I told him I'd broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head.

January 4

Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back, damned deer ran in front of me and I hit it. Did about $3000.00 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

Jan. 27

Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

May 3

Took the car to garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over the roads. Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.

May 10

Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida . I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the Godforsaken state of Maine.

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